I have a vision for a better Britain. As the French government banned the niqab or ‘face veil’ in 2010, some Muslims in the UK and other parts of the Western world are becoming increasingly nervous. “What if this type of right-wing, anti-Muslim campaign extends throughout Europe and North America? What if it doesn’t stop with niqab? What if next, they want to ban the hijab too? In France they’ve already done that in schools, and other public spaces!”

As time goes on, it will be increasingly difficult for Britain to uphold its value of ‘multi-culturalism’ amidst such diametrically opposed world views. The more legislation that comes in to govern Muslims, the more strength is given to the marginal Muslim right wing. As well as falsely believing that all non-Muslim Westerners will and should go to Hell, they hide behind arguments of liberalism and freedom, but in reality would love to not only see women in niqab, but taken out of the workforce altogether (never mind paid equally!). The fact that niqabis find it very difficult to get jobs is a win-win for them.

Well, fear not, for I have the solution.

Trust me, this plan is flawless…

The safest way to protect the rights of Muslim women who choose to wear niqab is for all of us to get together in one voice and campaign for the rights… of nudists.

Well, hear me out.

The weakest argument for niqab in the West is that ‘Islam says so’. This is weak for 2 reasons. 1 – no it doesn’t. 2 – so what if it does? We’re in a secular country, where the vast majority of people do not believe in Islam, and if we took a poll right now, most of them would probably agree that as far as dress-codes go, this one’s rather ugly, maybe even abhorrent. This entire line of argument leads us down the wrong path – trying to get people to feel sorry for Muslims because we’re victimised and nobody truly understands us. How undignified!

The strongest argument for niqab in the ‘free’ West is that women should have the right to wear whatever they choose to. It is simply not the government’s role to interfere with the way we dress. There is another group of British people who couldn’t agree more with this argument. Nudists.

If we are truthful in our claim that the reason women should be allowed to wear niqab is that the government shouldn’t interfere with the way we dress, and women should be free to wear whatever they want, then surely, it would be nothing short of hypocritical for us not to support nudism.

Personally, I’m completely pro-niqabi… and pro-nudist.

Now, to be fair, I don’t particularly want to see nudists walking around on the streets. I have a feeling there would be more Billy Connelly’s than Jessica Alba’s. But then, I’d rather not see niqabis on the streets of Britain either if I’m totally honest. But, my personal preferences really aren’t the point. The point is I’d be willing to do just about anything to protect your right to look how you want to look and wear what you want to wear while out in public.

Now let’s say we do somehow do manage to get these two groups of people to team up and campaign together. I believe several excellent things will happen.

Firstly, we would have an incredibly strong, consistent and internally logical political argument based on integrity, not hypocrisy. It’s called ‘liberalism’. It means you can do pretty much anything you want, as long as you’re not harming anyone, and as long as you don’t mind me doing whatever I want, too. This works out great for Muslims who want to freely practice all aspects of Islam, according to any interpretation they want. It doesn’t work out so well for Muslims who want to make everyone else follow their interpretation of Islam, too. I like to think of political liberalism as the government’s way of upholding the Islamic value of ‘free will’. In this sense, all niqab-wearers in Britain are either politically liberal or complete hypocrites, whether they realise it or not.

Secondly, what a brilliant conversation that would be! Can you even imagine walking through Covent Gardens and seeing a nudist sitting at a table, having a cup of tea and crumpets… with a niqabi? I can. I call it “Great Britain”. Although right now it’s more likely to happen in someone’s back garden than in the city centre, I can even imagine how that conversation might go. Nudist: “Why do you dress like that? Are Muslim women really all oppressed.” Niqabi: “Actually love, the government allows me to wear my outfit. One of us two certainly is oppressed!”

Third, let me pre-empt something. I can almost hear the cries of Muslim women saying “But I don’t want my children to see people walking around with no clothes on!”. That’s the point. There are a lot of people who don’t want to see you dress the way you do either. Does that mean you shouldn’t be allowed to? I don’t think so. I think we need to learn to live together.

Finally, even if you disagree with everything else in this article, you’ve got to agree with this: “Niqabis And Nudists” – Best. Reality. TV Show. Ever.